Oct 4, 2006

Second heart

Wanted to write on this after watching 'Kabhie Alvida naa Kehna'.. ya.. about the 'second love' concept. Now, what is the thing with 'first love' or 'second love'? I think, Indians tend to give a lot of importance to the 'first love'. Many a times, without proper dating mechanism, two people get attracted to each other, get into the bond of love, and by the time they realize that things dont look all that rosy between them, quite some time would have passed. Not many have the guts to tell their partner that they better end the relationship which doesnt seem to be working. As a result, they somehow get married, with the sole intention of saving their first love.

The sole reason of the marriage being that, the differences cant be hidden under the carpet. They keep cropping up from time to time, and the marriage becomes a disaster. And now, the marriage is the one that is to be saved. Unable to sort out the differences, frustrations start to develop, and, when it goes beyond the threshold point, the marriage snaps away. Differences do arise between almost all the couples - love-married or arranged. But, in case of the former, the problems pre-marriage seep into the married life. There is hardly anything new to look forward to, and the bitterness is too much to digest. In that case, the people getting arranged-marriage start from a neutral , or some positive scale, if they interact nicely before the wedding; whereas the compromising love couples start from a negative scale.

Whether male or female, any break in relationship hurts a lot. The wound takes some time to heal. The healing time depends on so many factors.. for some, it is a slow, aerobic healing process - i.e., only time will do that. For some, there might be a medicine available luckily. What should one do? It makes sense that the wound is allowed to heal fast and quick, doesnt it? Simply bcos life is too short; past is past; and there is a certain time frame by which certain things are better done. That medicine is what the next love is.. if available in pure form, it must be accepted and the wound has to be treated.

Then, the thing about remembering the first love afterwards. mmm.. mind is like a monkey, it tends to jump from one tree to another but for one's own good, the monkey has to be taken off the back. No point in thinking 'what if's and 'but's about the first love, bcos it carries with it the danger of affecting the second love. As long as the second love doesnt become the sole reason for the break-up of first love, the relationship would remain healthy. IMHO, those who underwent a split of any sort better learn from the fiasco and act wiser the next time around after a relationship is forged. Love sincerely, express all your good feelings on ur partner, and let love be the best shield for tackling any crisis.


Syam said...

saw your comment in me too's post, if you get the kalapovathu yaaru program in youtube, could you pls post the link here

mitr_bayarea said...


That was a lot of heavy duty stuff for one blog, but kind of understand your thought process here from KANK. Yes, the "first love" syndrome is really deep and for those that emerged unsuccessful out of the experience, life is about being wiser and moving forward.

As you rightly pointed out, be it in an arranged or love marriage, trust, sincerity, honesty and the courage to admit to ur partner that things aren't going well for you are all key elements.

Anurama said...

I accept your fact about love-marriage and arranged-married.. but I am still finding it hard to digest the fact about "second love"..

As you rightly pointed out, differences will creep in irrespective of the marriage being a love marriage or an arranged marriage. There would definitely be lots of wounds.. that is why in a joint family the healing process works out fast.

In a joint family system, you have elders who understand you and guide you properly, kids who teach you what innocent love is all about, etc. It is a pity to note that not many of us have realized the advantages of a joint family system.

Me too said...

IMO, in our culture, fear and guilt are used to keep people in line. Like you said 'Manam oru kurangu' and hence when you create a sacredness around the 'first love', it might prevent people from jumping fences!

Though I kind of agree that neither spouse should suffer just to keep a marriage, the trend of divorces/extra-marital affairs graduating from taboo to casual is scary!

Raju said...

Syam, welcome here.. I will surely post the link here as well as in Aparna's post, the moment I find it.
Mitr, mm.. totally agree with you.
Anurama, ok.. consider the following scenarios and tell me: talk to any pair that is sincerely in love, and you will hear that they accept the other person as their spouse, even before the marriage. Even in 'SOK' movie, there are two scenes, which talk about it.. When Bhumika refuses to sit on Surya's bike, he says "you are my wife.. I have the right to roam around with u".. Secondly, just before the registered marriage, Bhumika raises the doubt whether the decision is right or not.. and when he gets angry about it, she says "I feel like I am already married to you.. this signing and all is just a formality".

OK.. many of such love stories end up in failure and they get married to someone else. Now, what to say about the second love in that case? The difference between them and a divorced couple is, apart from physical relationship (which also sometimes happens in love), is that the event of marriage has happened to the second pair. So, IMHO, they are legally divorced, whereas the former couple is informally divorced. If second love can be accepted for them, why not for the legally divorced ones?

Your mention about joint family system is interesting. Still, if there is some outstanding issue(s) between the couple, can any formal counselling/family support help them get rid of it? mmm.. I doubt.
Aparna, sacredness around the first love-a? mmm.. I agree.. both the partners have to feel strongly about it.

Now, the trend that you mentioned in the second sentence... do u think it has got anything to do with the modern world of liberalized women and more freedom to express herself, compared to the previous generations? I realize that it has to involve a man and a woman.. but, 'iru kai thattinAlthAney Osai varum?'

i think therefore i am said...

ur scarin me now raju... :)hope a certain someone aint lookin at this post...can do with no second thots at this stage :))

Ponnarasi Kothandaraman said...

Hahaha enna romba movie romba influnced??? :P

Raju said...

ITTIA, welcome here.. BTW, too long a login to call , and, until I know ur name from ur other half, I will call you as 'B'. Any guess why? ;)

LOL'ed on your comment. Your someone is, I am sure, wishing this is already december.. no chance of him having second thoughts.. His second thoughts may be on the lines of 'mmm.. Kalyanathai advance panni November-le vachukka mudiyuma?'... :)
Ponnarasi, mmm.. sema influence-dhan.. Nowadays, almost every movie that I watch influences me... ;)

மு.கார்த்திகேயன் said...

unga thots are 100% true, raju

வேதா said...

//As long as the second love doesnt become the sole reason for the break-up of first love, the relationship would remain healthy//
good point:)

//mind is like a monkey, it tends to jump from one tree to another but for one's own good, the monkey has to be taken off the back//
very good point:)

Raju said...

Karthik, mmm...
Veda, nandri...

Anu said...

Good post.. but I think that in most cases nowadays that the term love is interchanged with convenience- atleast for the single folk... I know people who claim to be in love , but walk away when the situation gets difficult / parents get them another person to marry. So in this world, love is used too casually.

ram said...

Dear GP, I posted this comment last week itself but net problem..


I don't agree with the idea of numbering the love as first love, second love and so on....

Because even when you have the 'second love', still you have in first love. Love cannot be created or destroyed (that's my belief) It simply exists.

For the sake of argument, let me take an example. You may find someone saying "I loved my mother, so much and now I am not, infact I am hating".

Whatever the reason you will be provided for the above statement, still I really wonder whether the person had/have the concept of love.

Love is same everywhere but we see/perceive in colors.
Love from mother
Love from brother /sister
Love from husband/wife

Probably I may be wrong also in my opinion, please let me know.

Raju said...

Anu, thanks.. Unfortunately, I have to agree with you.. I have also heard of some such cowards.. I wish to ask them "Why the hell did y ou promise your partner all moon and roses, when you knew deep inside the heart that you dont have the guts to hold his/her hands in moments of trouble?"
Ram, well.. interesting theory but I would disagree with your "Love cannot be created or destroyed (that's my belief) It simply exists" .. Suppose someone gets married to a girl and lives in a joint-family. His love on his parents/siblings can remain the same, but now he now has the newly-generated love, which came, literally, out of nowhere. Good thing about love is that it is infinite. And something "that cant be created or destroyed" has boundaries..
And, it is possible for someone to hate their dear ones, if certain things go wrong. I cant say in that case there didnt exist a love between them.
IMHO, love from husband/wife has a totally altogether dimension compared to the other ones..

sks said...

raju, Get well soon.
Moral of the write up:
Don't watch KANK alone, or better still don't watch KANK at all.
does your better half comment under some psuedonym. (do hear me, the one in india?) Come back soon and give me a call, i will tell you all raju stories. how he went to the Smithsonians, his third love.

Ittia is usualy 'ittiam' (from descartes, i presume)

Raju said...

Sanjay, LOL.. KANK is just the modernized 'Silsila' right? Sometimes, watching such movies would make one revisit some of the issues, no?

My better half hasnt commented so far, though she reads 'em.

ram said...

Yeah, I have to put a thought on that. From where the love originates. I don't have a clear cut idea about "LOVE" in any sense. I mean that I could understand what responsibility comes from "love", I do understand what trust comes from "love", I do understand where sacrifice comes from "love", but I am not sure from where this ""LOVE"" comes from. Let me think, Probably I could find answer within myself.